Gilgamesh and Enkidu

Gil had a way with the babes. They'd take one look at him and go, "Shooooeee. Look at that thing. Want me some of that." Yep, that's what they'd say. But that aside, Gil was from good family, and some of them had even taken night classes over at the community college. Smart people, and they didn't care who knew it.

Enkidu, he was something else. His people, the ones who could hold a job, mostly worked over at the Firestone plant. As for Enkidu himself, it was like the babes couldn't see him. He could of peed on the leg of a female cop in broad daylight, and she wouldn't have seen him for nothing. Like he was invisible or something.

Anyway, one day he was walking along, minding his own business, when he ran into Gil, that being the first time they ever laid eyes on each other. Gil was about as broadminded as the next guy, but he took one look at Enkidu and blurted out, "Dammit all to hell, the things you see when you don't have a gun."

Oh, he got jack-slapped for that one. That's right. Enkidu popped him, and Gil's eyes watered up quick like. "You dirt ball, I'm gonna tell my daddy, and he's going to kick your ass." That really set Enkidu off, and they got to wrestling and trying out their martial artiste kicks and everything, and that went on a long time. Finally they both sat back on their haunches, mostly because they were tired and neither of them could take another swing.

Gil looked over at Enkidu. "You some kind of barroom-wrecking machine," Gil opined. Barroom-wrecking machine was some sort of high compliment he'd heard in a movie once, and he thought it fit somehow.

Enkidu took kindly to that and replied, "That's a fact. Not so puny your ownself."

Over the next couple of weeks they hung out together, and even went over to the mall to harass chicks. Turned out whatever Enkidu had, it rubbed off on Gil and the babes suddenly couldn't see him either. Strange thing, though, it didn't bother him -- he and his new bud just laughed it off.

It soon got to be high summer and money was short, so the boys decided they'd cut a few lawns for money. Gil's uncle was out of town, and that just naturally made it okay to borrow the old guy's John Deere lawn tractor. They took that sucker and mowed up a storm. Since it was practically Gil's, he was the only one who drove it, leaving Enkidu to do the manual labor. But Enkidu seemed to be okay with that, since he wasn't too good with machinery anyway.

Long about sundown one day they'd just finished a yard on the outskirts of town, when a yokel ran past yelling that Ralph Himmel's bull had gotten out of its pasture. Our guys were citified -- they barely knew what a bull was, and the part about the pasture didn't mean much to them.

But they did smell opportunity. At the least, if they collared that bull, Ralph Whassis might set them up with a two bagger down at the Dairy Queen.

Off our heroes went, in the direction the man had come. The bull, as it turns out, would've been hard to miss, seeing as how he was dropping a load right in the middle of the street.

They could sense Fuzz was mean and itching to open a can of whup-ass on somebody. Gil had a plan -- he went around to the front of the animal, then motioned Enkidu to head for the bull's rear end. Actually, that was about the sum total of Gil's plan, and he knew it the same moment the bull knew it.

Gil, suddenly having another of what his psychotherapist called a "dissassociative reaction," began his imitation of Vanilla Ice onstage at the Apollo. He was standing a pretty good distance away from the bull, who by that time had his head down and was pawing the ground. Although it should be said, the animal actually was curious about the strange, erratic movements of his intended.

Enkidu. Enkidu wasn't all that cerebral either. He finally got around to the back of the bull, where he grabbed its tail and gave it a yank. Fuzz turned so quick, that Enkidu was left standing there, hands clutching thin air. Which is to say, Fuzzy was some kind of fast. About that time, Enkidu started running, but didn't get fifteen feet before the bull butted the young man's backside, knocking him down. Then ol' Fuzz calmly proceeded to walk a hole right in the middle of that clown.

Gil momentarily regained control of what was left of his mind. He reached over and picked up a two-by-four, which fortuitously was laying upside a nearby tree trunk, then he ran over and whapped the bull right across his testicles. Not making this up. The bull let out a holler and shanked his bottom all the way back to the barn.

Gil walked over to the busted-up sack of shit that'd been his friend, and started thinking of something appropriate to say, something that would look good on his resume'. "He was okay to hang with and nice enough; but really now, I came, I saw, I kicked some serious boo-tay."

Enkidu opened one eye. "Shut up?"

Gil looked down. "You got it."

-- END --