Thor Does Jotunheim



Thor had them beefy good looks and a reputation for being able to rock on for weeks. Even for a god, he had a lot going for him.

Day came he was partying with the other deities when they all started talking about the giants over in Jotunheim -- word on the street was the giants had new digs and a whole new attitude. Truth is, Thor and the rest of the Aesir always wanted to know what the giants were up to cos of what the Norns were saying.

The Norns, in case you're interested, were a bunch of babes who claimed to know everything, and they'd given odds the giants were going to put the gods down hard in the big rumble scheduled for Ragnarok. Some people even said those broads had money riding on the giants, a sure sign some godly ass was gonna get kicked.

Thor decided he'd go see for himself what the other team was up to. When he got up to leave, Loki Motor-mouth grabbed his stash and followed the big guy out the door.

They hoofed it at a pretty good clip, stopping about sundown at a farm run by a homeboy. Next morning, seems there was a lot of yokels who'd dropped by to lay eyes on the visiting celebrities, and Thor wasn't even awake good before Loki was running a game of three-card monte out back. As dumbass as the homies were, Thor still had a feeling the two of them had better be bopping on down the road.

They finally got to a big swamp. What can you say about a swamp? Wet, damp, humid, lotsa water. Smells like Wotan's crotch. Let's just leave it at that.

Anyway, after stumbling around and getting lost a couple of times, there they were on the other side, reeking and dripping. They took a moment and looked around -- saw the place was different, not like their home turf. They were most definitely in an economically depressed area, since grass was scarce and the roads weren't much better than dirt-lined ditches. No telling what the place was like after a good rain.

They walked on, and it wasn't too long before they came to the giants' crib. It was something else. Huge. The giants were huge, too. Big guys, even bigger than Thor, and there were lots of them. All over the place, big hairy giants. Even so, Thor realized the giants weren't quite as big as somebody had told him. Still, they were plenty large and could easily have ripped new ones for just about every god back on the plantation.

As for the giants, they secretly knew who their visitors were and already had a plan as to how they were going to handle the dynamic twosome. Thor and his sidekick were shown into meet the head dude, a guy by the name of Utgard-Loki, definitely no relation to our Loki.

Ut took one look at his guests, sniffed and said, "We don't hold back on the hospitality, but I gotta tell you, neither one of you looks up to partying with us. We being boss giants, and everything."

Loki, never ever at a loss for words, replied with a "Listen up! Here before you is -- Thor! Mighty Thor. He's big and known the world over for feats of strength and daring-do. Thor. He's got it all. Thor!"

It was stone cold silent in the room. At least until several of the giants lost it and started laughing. One of them even pissed himself a river. Utgard-Loki let out a little snicker, then turned on his salesman's charm. "Tell you what let's do, we gonna have a contest here. You win, we party hearty. You lose, you make like trees and leave. I mean it, you're gonna get your shiny faces off this property. Agreed?"

Before Thor could answer, Loki started up again. "On behalf of the staff and management of the Aesir and my client, Thor, mightiest of gods, right arm of the All-Father, I agree," he said. "Cos mighty Thor has flat got the stuff and takes on all challenges and all comers. Thor!"

Ut did a bad job of stifling a yawn. "Whatever. Maybe we'll let him try his hand at wrestling. Say his name is Thor? Okay, Thor. We got to find you a suitable opponent." Several of the giants way over in the amen corner yelled out oh-shit-yeahs, then everyone of them got real quiet.

Ut continued. "All you got to do is pin... hmmm, okay -- her shoulders to the floor." Now her was a decrepit old woman who just happened to be walking through the door.

"Her?" Loki looked surprised. "You're kidding. My guy's going to wrestle her?"

With that, Ut almost lost it. "Here on out, punk tool, you keep your pie hole shut. I never kid. Sic the big 'un, granny."

She did, too. She grabbed Thor and it was all he could do to keep his balance and stay on his size fourteens. She was small, but she was strong. Thor swapped licks and killer wrestling holds with that ugly biddy for two hours, neither of them ever really getting an advantage. Finally Ut called time, and the old bag left the room. All the other giants were laughing themselves silly and eventually even Ut joined in, slapping his thighs, flinging snot ever which way.

Some minutes passed before the hall became quiet again. Ut, wiping tears from his eyes, hollered real loud, "Bring the horn-cup." At this point he feigned concern and, ignoring Loki, spoke directly to Thor. "Gonna let you try one more time to show us what'cha got. I'm not trying to cut you off at the knees here, but you got loser-stink all over you, boy. On the other hand, we do have our rep for hospitality to consider. So you get one more shot at the big leagues, you get to drain our welcome cup. Do it, and you one mo' baddass sumbitch and we gonna let the good times roll. Fail, and you and swamp-breath can haul balls out of here. By the way, you guys ever bathe?"

Thor, known for being able to quaff with the best of them, nodded his okay. He laid lips on the cup, raised it, and began knocking it back. You should've seen him, he really got into it. After a while he set the cup down, feeling sure he'd drained the damn thing. But he hadn't. The contents of the cup had only gone down a little, and some of the liquid spilled out onto the floor.

Ut gave a little smirk. "I'm impressed. Anybody else here impressed?" Between guffaws, several of the other giants raised their hands, which brought more whoops of glee. "See? We're impressed. But c'mon, you gotta quit playing around. Go on, drain the cup, let's get on with it."

Thor raised the cup, gave it his most godlike lip-lock, and did a chug-a-lug that did him proud. Yet after all that, the cup had plenty left.

Ut looked as though he was a substitute school teacher who'd just about had enough. "Third times a charm. Even my old nanny could drain that cup in three swigs. Go ahead, you've already wasted the best part of my day, try again." You could hear them big ole giants tittering, even way out in the front yard.

Thor gave that cup a huge suck and actually chipped the rim, but in the end you could still hear liquid sloshing around. Ut rolled his eyes. "You really gotta go now."

Our boy, who was thinking about getting some self-esteem counseling when he got back to the house, turned to make his getaway. As he was heading for the door, Ut yelled out, "Wait. Thought of something you can do -- I know you're not going to disappoint me. Hell, I like you.... Hey, you guys in the back! Keep it down, show a little respect.... Thor, is it? Thor. All you gotta do is walk over there and lift that lil' old cat over your head. That's all you gotta do, just lift kitty over your head."

Thor walked over to the cat, a seriously deficient tabby if ever there was one, and lifted. Well, let's just say he put everything he had into it. Whoa! No matter how hard he tried, our guy couldn't even get one of pussy's feet off the floor. Oh, the ignominy. He got that cat in a new hold and really gave it the old college try -- the strain caused a big vein to start throbbing in his forehead and made him cut a fart. It was awesome, but the cat didn't move so much as a toe. Third time, Thor gave a heave such as he'd never done before, and the cat's right fore-paw moved just a hair. Nothing more than that, though. Thor was hurting.

The giants, on the other hand, were hurting, too, in so far as they'd begun laughing themselves sick. All except Utgard-Loki his ownself, who'd grown awfully quiet. After about a minute or so, he said in a voice that sounded like he meant business, "I want you and your fancy-boy outta here. Don't come back, lest I clap a restraining order on your ass."

Thor, without looking right or left, walked out of the building and back down the path he'd come, with Loki following quick on his heels.

After they'd gone, the giants ran and bolted the door, then gathered their weapons. Thor had left with their raucous, loud laughter ringing in his ears, thinking he was a big-time loser.

But the giants knew the truth. With their own eyes they had seen Asa Thor fight the Hag of Old Age to a standstill. Within the hour he had almost drained the magic horn-cup fed by the great ocean. They had seen him attempt three times to lift the Midgard serpent that encircles the world, and on the third try, they'd felt the planet move beneath their feet.


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